How to pick a husband: the Hunger Games way

Rona and I (Julie) were talking about how much we need boyfriends: not like we need a NCMO, we just really want a pillow to snuggle with on cold nights and drink hot chocolate with this pillow.

And it would help if the pillow was warm......with abs.......and smelled nice.....and said nice things.....and had minty breath-but not too minty because that could be overpowering....and white teeth.

And also big strong arms would be really nice for this pillow.

So me and Rona went to the store and we were wondering if they sold people. We didn't see any, except for the employees, so it was a disappointment.

At times like these, when it's a Friday night and we don't have dates, we have to wonder when this whole marriage thing is going on. We would like to know so we can plan accordingly.

We've actually already started planning not for Rona's wedding, but how she can decide who to marry. For most girls, it's a feeling deep inside, that you just know the person and you know its right. For the future commander of an army of highly trained lemurs, that just isn't the road to go down.

We've mentioned how Rona is the most likely of us to win the Hunger Games. Well, she needs to meet her match at this sort of match.

The plan is as follows: Rona will get engaged to various people, in fact she's been engaged twice to two people in the last few months, and simultaneously. Technically, her engagement to Michael isn't over yet. See http://therachelus.blogspot.com/2012/10/how-to-calculate-amount-of-ice-cream.html

Then all her suitors will be entered into a Hunger Games, and it will be on national TV. We're thinking either Saturday Night Live, TLC, or Animal Planet. It would be like the Bachelorette, but this would be to the death.

This way, we can find the perfect contender worthy of Rona's presence.

Now I know what you're thinking. That is ridiculous! You can't find love on national TV. Well, my friends who doubt TV, you forget that when you're faced with death in a Hunger Games-like setting, you're screwed to the point where you could just love anyone as long as they give you water and rations.

Plus, Rona's pretty awesome. If she can get lemurs to love her, she must be pretty easy to love, you know?

Now, you wonder how Rona can fall in love with the winner. Well, to start with, lets make a list of the type of person who could win the Hunger Games in the name of Rona's love:

1. Warm-the person has to be alive
2. Abs-the person must be strong to endure to the end
3. Smells nice-Rona really likes the smell of blood, and pine trees.
4. Said nice things-A person battling to the death would say nice things to people because people might kill them if they decide they want to be mean.
5. Had minty breath, but not too minty because that would be overpowering-This is obvious. A resourceful contender would eat natural herbs in order to stay alive.
6.White Teeth-A person must have some healthy canines in order to eat and stay alive.
7. Big Strong Arms-Only a person with big strong arms would be able to win.

Does this criteria sound familiar at all? If not, get a friend to look this blog post over for you and show you what it is you might be missing.

Essentially, as long they are soft and, in Rona's words, "Just as awesome as I am," then it's just as awesome. It's an awesome marriage for you right there.

Comment with any ideas on how they should celebrate their anniversaries.

The Mysterious Sound Makers....

It was a boring Friday night...nothing to do really except homework and hanging around. At least, in our apartment. The apartment above us, that was a different story.

We didn't know what they were doing. We didn't. But we could hear them. And they were being really loud.

So I, Julie, made a life changing decision. A decision that would forever change our lives. It was decision that changed our lives.

But really, it was the most rational decision. If you were in my place, I have no doubt that you would think to do the same thing.

I had the idea to play a "moo" sound effect outside their window, and really really loud too.

See below for the sound.

So Rachel and I went outside. I stood underneath their open window, holding up a laptop with the volume as loud as it could go. Rachel stood by my side, making sure everything was alright, that I wouldn't drop the computer or anything.

I pressed play.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And you want to know what happened? Oh you know what happened. Nothing else could've happened.

What happened was nothing.

"What?! That's it?" I thought, dismayed. So I did the only rational thing I could think of. If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

So I pressed play. Moo. and play. Moo. and play. Moo. and play. Moo.

"Was that a cow???"

FINALLY.

Rachel and I started laughing hysterically and ran back to our apartment.  We then commenced in planning our next attack. The artillery: farm sounds from SoundBible.com

However, we searched "farm" at SoundBible.com and, I'm not joking, you can try this yourself, most of the sounds were farm sounds.....at first. Then, it was a plethora of zombie sounds.

And so we couldn't resist. We tested them out. And then: we hit the jackpot.

http://soundbible.com/1037-Zombie-Come-Here.html

Please listen to that sound before continuing reading. It will make your life so much more awesome. No really.

Well, we just couldn't resist. The Rachelus has a hard time resisting anything super awesome.

So we repeated the process. This time, it was "Come here...."

I stood outside again, holding up the computer, Rachel by my side. I could barely contain myself, I was shaking with excitement. I tried to hold back my laughter as I pressed play....

Nothing. No reaction at all.

What?

Well, I don't believe in failure. So if at first you don't succeed, try try again.

I hit the play button over and over again until finally....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel and I booked it for our apartment while everyone in the apartment on top of us ran outside.
We laughed like crazy as we watched from our window. They were looking for the source of the zombie voice....

And you know what? We couldn't resist.

Rachel and I went outside like we were going to the store. And, you'll never guess who we ran into.

Them: Did you guys hear that????

Us: No, what?

Them: There was this creepy sound of someone telling us to "come here"! And before that, there was this moo sound...

Us: What? We didn't hear anything!

Them: Are you serious? It was really loud.

Us: No, but that's crazy. But I like how the voice told you to "come here" and you all came...

Them(1): (laughing) That's right, we listened to the voice.

Them(2): You know that thing was going for like ten minutes before you screamed?

Them(1): Yeah....

So this is further evidence that Rachel and I are basically 007.

We told them we were going to be on the lookout for "the mysterious sound maker."

And we were. In fact, we were basically MI6 at this. Rachel got her camera. I put on all black. Then we took pictures of "the mysterious sound maker."

And.....we banged on the door of the apartment above us. The door swung open, and we practically fell onto the floor with excitement.

"WE GOT PICTURES OF THE MYSTERIOUS SOUND MAKER!!!!!!"  tee hee hee hee..... we are so conniving.

"Oh my gosh!" "No way!" "I want to see!!!"

hee hee hee....

After the excitement died down, we mounted our next attack. Your mom.

http://soundbible.com/1755-Your-Mom.html

We got a similar response to that one. But this time, they started to get suspicious....

In all, some of them figured it out, but most didn't until we made the story public domain.

Moooooooooooooo..............................

-The Rachelus

How to Calculate the Amount of Ice Cream You Deserve After a Break-Up

Break-ups....they happen to the best of us, but only because people don't realize they have the best when they have it.

The best part of any break-up is probably the ice cream. Rona's actually excited for break-ups because that means she can eat ice cream.

So, for times like these, we've created a formulate to calculate how much ice cream you deserve after a break-up. But first, lets back up and explain the relationship.

Rona never thought that she would get engaged over a text message, and at the hands of Julie. Like it was said in the "About Us," Julie orchestrates many of the adventures.

Julie, Rachel, and Rona were on Pinterest when they saw this pin that said, "When I'm bored, I text random numbers saying 'You should really clean up under your bed, it smells like something died down here. P.S. I love you."

Julie jumped at the idea. Julie and Rachel had the phone number of this guy Michael, but he didn't have Rona's number. And so, Julie grabbed Rona's phone and texted him just that.

To which the reply was, "Thank you darling, what would I ever do without you."

And by the third text, Rona and Michael were officially engaged. Michael still didn't know it was her though.

Eventually, he found out who it was, but the engagement went on. Rona and Michael decided to run away to Vegas, have 4 children in the next two years (named Bradley Kathleen Henrietta Oswald, Zazou, Angelina Purplespot, and Squirtle Trashcan, pronounced troo-shawn,) go on a paleolithic diet and hunt mammoths for their food, and put a giant, fossilized leaf in their living room. Did we mention that Michael was secretly a supermodel and Rona was hit by a bus?

But somehow the relationship ended as fast as it started. Suddenly, Michael had a girlfriend. And Rona found out through Julie.

It was an open engagement, Rona had been out with a lot of guys whilst "engaged" to Michael, but Michael getting a girlfriend was just what did them in.

But Rona was actually really happy because, on that night, she really wanted an excuse to eat lots of ice cream.

And so, we've come up with an equation to determine how much ice cream you deserve after you break up. The best part of breaking up.

How to Calculate How Much Ice Cream You Deserve When You’ve Gone Through a Break-Up

First take the number of the people in the relationship. Include all the girls he cheated on you with.

In Rona's case, 3. Rona, Michael, and his girlfriend.

Multiply by the number of weeks you were together.

In Rona's case, 4.

So 4x3=12.

Then rate the intensity of the relationship based on this scale.
1=he never knew you existed.
2=you were just friends...just not in your head
3=you went on a couple dates
4=you were his girlfriend
5=you engaged
infinity=married

Take that number and multiply your last number by it.

In Rona's case, the number is 5.

5x12=60.

Divide that number by 100.

60/100=.60

Multiply by your mass in kilograms. (To convert from pounds to kilograms, divide by 9.8. Round off to the third place.)

In Rona's case, 13.265.

13.265x.60=7.959

This final number is the amount (in pounds) of ice cream you are allowed to eat.

Rona is entitled to eat 7.959 pounds of ice cream.

You're Welcome Heartbroken-Ice-Cream-Loving People.

About Us.

The Rachelus is a foursome: four college students destined for adventures. Here's a brief intro to each of us.

Rachel, aka "The Cool One"

It was a dark and stormy night, and there was a woman in great pain....
And that's how Rachel came to be.
Rachel rocks, and she loves rocks too.
She is also known as the Clock Princess for no real reason.

Gina, aka "The Stoned One"

Gina doesn't need drugs to act stoned. Gina is the deep thinker who says the most hysterical things. She is convinced that there is a time, every night, when everyone is Rachel and no one has toes.

Julie, aka "The Thug/Gangsta"

Julie is a Space Medallion who organizes all the adventures (and revolts...)

Rona, aka "The very well dressed hobo"

Rona is the most likely to win the Hunger Games. She also eats things that are kind of like a burrito.